


The Old Man's Curse

by jademark



Series: Given Prompts [34]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22263520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jademark/pseuds/jademark
Summary: "Leslie knope gets cursed by an ancient old man and it makes April become obsessed with forcing a calendar to make the month "Septoopbter," while Ron discovers Ed Edd and Eddie"
Series: Given Prompts [34]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599073
Kudos: 1





	The Old Man's Curse

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a series of ficlets inspired by strange prompts from my sister.

Leslie picked up the phone at her office. “Ooh, that doesn’t sound good. Well I’ll see if I can get someone to investigate, and if not, well, I’ll go, because no problem too small… Wait, are we still doing that? Ugh… Nevermind. Pretend I didn’t say that.” She hung up. “Okay, there’s an old man in the park who looks like he’s about to die that’s apparently ruining the park aesthetic for someone. Someone needs to check on him. April?” Leslie glanced over, but April wasn’t at her desk. She was in the courtyard making out with Andy. 

She walked out of her office. “Alright, I need someone to help me check on an elderly citizen in one of our parks.” 

“Leslie, if you need someone to investigate something, I’d be more than happy to take a look for you,” Jerry said. 

“Oh, Jerry, I appreciate that, but seeing another old man could be a disturbing reminder to you about your own mortality… And I need someone who could get the job done quickly.” 

“Well, if you ever change your mind, I’m right here.” 

“No one’s available, huh? I guess I’ll have to go,” Leslie slipped on her jacket. “Alright, Ramsett Park, here I come.” 

Leslie walked down a path in the park and found a senile old man sitting on a bench. 

“Hello, sir. Do you need assistance?” she asked. 

He looked at her. “Do you oversee this park?” 

“Well, I work in the Parks Department, but I wouldn’t say I single handedly oversee this park, no.” 

“I fell over and barely managed to get myself back up onto this bench, and no one helped. Because of that, I’m afraid I’m going to have to put a curse on you.” 

“Alright, sir,” Leslie smiled. “Anything I can do for you? Need me to call an ambulance?”

“Yes, please.”

* * *

Leslie felt somewhat lightheaded on her way back. By the time she reached City Hall, she felt like she needed to lay down, but ignored it. The next month was approaching and too much was at stake. 

“April, did you finalize the Septoopbter calendar yet?” Leslie asked.

April slowly glanced up at her.

“Come on, we’ve got to get a head start on that festival. It’s coming up really fast.”

April played with a pen in-between her fingers. “Uh, what was that word you just said?”

“What word?”

“Yeah, Leslie, you said something else instead of September,” Jerry said. 

“Septoopbter? I mean September… Oh God, maybe I do need to lay down. I’ll ask Ann if she has anything that can help.” Leslie walked away. 

April blinked, and then glanced at Andy. “Andy. I have an idea.” 

Andy tore his attention away from the ceiling. “Huh? Sorry hon, I wasn’t listening.” 

“Leslie said ‘Septoopbter’ instead of September, and it gave me an idea. There should be a new month by that name.” 

“Great job, babe.” 

“No, do you know what this means?” She walked over to him and sat on his desk. “If there’s a new month, then I could schedule all of Ron’s appointments during that month and he’ll never have to actually see anyone.”

“Oh. Well, how will you get that to work?”

“I don’t know! I’ll ask Leslie. She makes stupid things become official all the time. She lives for that kind of stuff. I’ll hold a meeting in City Hall or something. Who knows. But if this happens, it could be huge.” 

Andy looked up at her and grinned. “Babe, you’re the smartest girl in the universe. I’m so lucky to have you.” 

“Great, well, I’ll go tell Ron. I know he’ll back me up on this too.” April turned around and headed to Ron’s office. 

* * *

“April, the way I see it, calendars are a government construct used to rob the taxpayer,” Ron said. “Adding more months would be unnecessary. I think we should abolish months altogether.” 

“It could lessen your workload.” 

“I’m listening.” 

“You know how I made up all those dates so that no one would be able to schedule an appointment with you? Well, what if I had an entire month to do that. And it was real enough to be believable to them, but not real enough to actually be able to schedule any dates on.” 

Ron paused for a second, and then nodded. “Yes. I like this idea.”

“Good. I’ll tell Leslie when she gets back.”

“Good work, April. With your help, we will be a step closer to bringing the government crumbling to the ground.” 

* * *

“...And then the old man said, ‘I’ll have to put a curse on you,’ and now I’m feeling all lightheaded and blah,” Leslie said to Ann at her office. “I don’t know. Curses aren’t real. Or are they? Please tell me, Ann. Tell me they’re not real.”

“Curses aren’t real, you’re fine,” Ann said, lowering her hand to motion Leslie to exhale. “Take a deep breath. You probably just haven’t gotten enough sleep and you’re running on caffeine. When was the last time you’ve gotten a full eight hours?” 

Leslie’s pupils moved to the right. “Last night.” 

“No, you were busy texting me about the Oscars until 3 AM. Seriously, when was the last time you slept?”

“God, I don’t remember.”

“Okay, so what I want you to do is get at least eight hours of sleep for a week, then report back to me and see if that made a difference.” 

“That sounds like such a waste of time, though! Imagine how much I could be getting done during those hours! Sleep is for chumps.”

“No, sleep is a human necessity. It’s nonnegotiable.” 

“That’s what Ben tells me, too. But what does he know.” Leslie paused. “3 days.” 

“No, a week. Look, it’s not that hard. Just go to bed at a decent time, take some melatonin if it helps, and that should resolve some of the problems you’re dealing with right now.” 

“Ugh, Ann, you gorgeous, iridescent jellyfish. I can’t argue with you.” She held Ann’s hands. “5 days.” 

“Leslie, a week. For goodness sakes. This is how you’re supposed to live, and I’m just asking for 7 days.” 

“Fine…” Leslie sighed. 

* * *

“Leslie?” April said, walking into Leslie’s office and sitting down in front of her desk. “I have an idea.” 

“Yes, April?” Leslie said. 

“I think that we should make a new month. It’ll help things, I don’t know, flow more smoothly. Give us more time to work on deadlines. Or add more tasks and create new deadlines, if that’s your kind of thing.” 

“Hmm. Another month. Imagine how much we could get done. We could take this to the federal government! April, I knew I could expect great ideas from you from the very start. Ever since you first joined the Parks department you have blossomed into such an experienced young woman…”

“Ew. No. Stop. Stop or I’m leaving and this is over,” April interrupted her. “I’m glad you’re on board with it. Maybe we could start with a City Council meeting.” 

“Good plan. Do you have any names for the month in mind so far?”

“Yes. Septoopbter.”

“Sep…” Leslie laughed. “Was that from when I accidentally said…Oh, no, you can’t name it that. No, you’ve got to give it a real name.”

“That is a real name.”

“No, I mean, something that’s inspired by something great. I strongly recommend something that will make people think of Pawnee. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said…” 

“Leslie, I actually found something I give a crap about, which I have basically never done before in my entire life. So you either go through with it or I’m just going to take it to others on the Council. I know they’ll probably support me. And if they don’t, well, I’ll just burn down City Hall and figure out what to do from there.” 

“April, you’re teeming with brilliant ideas. But I just think we shouldn’t name a month after my mistake…” 

“Leslie! April!” Chris bounded into Leslie’s office in his jogging attire, holding a mini calendar. “It’s great to see you two. I just found a new entry in my calendar. An entire month. Septoopbter!” he pointed to a makeshift page that stood out from the glossy calendar entries. “I don’t know how this got here, or what it means, but I think it’s amusing and thought-provoking! Septoopbter. Anyway, I’m off to finish my afternoon run. See you guys!” 

“See? Chris supports me. It seems like everyone’s on my side, except for you. Do you really want to destroy my dreams, Leslie? I thought you actually cared about what I had to say,” April twirled her hair around her finger. 

“No! It’s just that you’re going to look back years down the road and say… Oh God, it’s the curse.” 

“What?” April asked.

“Nothing. Okay, April, we’ll hold a meeting, but I strongly encourage you to sleep on the name...”

“What did you just say about a curse?” April asked. 

“There is no curse,” Leslie sputtered and laughed. “Did I say that?” 

“Leslie, you’re obligated to tell me about all curses. What’s going on?” 

Leslie sighed. "I got an anonymous call about an old man in the park today, and because I didn't help him on time, he said he put a curse on me. And now, well, you want to name a park after a weird thing I said because I'm tired, and please just be easy on me, April. I'm trying."

April stood up and slammed her hands onto Leslie's desk. "We have to investigate this. Now."

"Uh, I don’t really know where he is anymore. I called an ambulance."

"Let's scour the hospitals, then. Or the nursing homes, or break into people's houses. Undoing this curse is our number one priority now. I can guarantee it's more important than stupid Parks matters, or putting a new month on the calendar. Let's go."

"April..."

"Look, Leslie. The longer this continues, the more you're going to feel like everything’s going wrong. Do you really want that?"

"Well, I suppose..."

April was already out of Leslie's office. "Let's destroy this curse! Woooo!"

* * *

April, Andy and Leslie found the same old man in Saint Joseph Hospital. 

“Hey! Sorry about the trouble you went through earlier. I brought you flowers and balloons!” Leslie placed them on the table next to him. “And to make sure this doesn’t happen again, I will be installing posts with buttons that will immediately signal an ambulance in case of an emergency.” 

“Okay,” said the old man.

“Are you a warlock?” April asked. 

“I think what April is trying to say is, is the curse… thing... done?” Andy scratched his head. 

The old man looked at them. “What are you talking about?”

“Our encounter earlier when you’d fallen at Ramsett Park,” Leslie said. “You said you put a curse on me.” 

“I have no memory of that.”

“Figures,” Leslie said under her breath. “Well, please accept these flowers as a token of goodwill and just know you’ll be safe at all our parks from here on.” 

“Please teach me your ways,” April stared at him. 

“I want to adopt him as the creepy great grandfather I never had,” April later told the camera. 

“Come on April,” Leslie called out from the hallway. 

* * *

Ron browsed the internet with a VPN, per Donna’s suggestion, yet encountered an Ed, Edd, and Eddie popup. 

“No,” he said out loud, closing it. 


End file.
